This is probably the one debate the two main-party presidential candidates will have, but because it’s my birthday, I’m going to be at a ball game avoiding all the excitement. The Prosecutor vs the Felon, though the Felon will probably refer to himself as simply the Prosecuted. The Prosecutor vs the Sex Offender, though the Sex Offender will simply call himself Sexy. The Prosecutor vs the Guy Who Farts in Court.

This is, unfortunately, the state of affairs for the United States of America, circa 2024. Yes, future historical sleuths who have stumbled upon the website for these cards (because nothing ever dies on the internet), in our two party system, the choice for president is between a well-established prosecutor with four years experience as Vice President of the United States, and a former president who is so unfit for office, that the only reason he is running for president is to exonerate himself from the many crimes he had committed during his presidency.

And, apparently, it’s a neck-and-neck race. (But don’t you worry, future historians, because that same source also told us all there was yellow cake in Iraq. Which sounds like a party, but became the rallying for a never-ending war that, uh, is sort of still happening.)

I’ve had a lot of debates with family members during my life, and those are never fun, so I can’t imagine how this might be a good time unless trying to stave off a fascist wannabe dictator from getting his hands back on the nuclear codes sounds like fun. My stepmother and I had spent many Friday nights arguing about the Sandinistas. I learned all about the domino effect from her which seemed to be a lot like killer bees from Argentina.

“They’re in Nicaragua now. They’ll be in Mexico next. Then where are they going to go?”

“Not the San Fernando Valley.”

I can’t imagine tonight’s debate will be any smarter than that.

In the real world, I agree with Kamala at least 65% of the time, which is extraordinary for my lifetime. I like the fact that she is the product of an American middle class. I like that she’s married to a Jewish guy, which makes me know that she’ll not simply ignore my community’s general perspective. And I really like that she’s not him, which future historians, is very unfortunate. Our democracy should be about more than merely stabilizing ourselves from nefarious forces, but we’re clearly not there yet.